I Hold Up My Life to You Now

Patient God,
the clock struck midnight and I partied with a strange sadness in my heart,
confusion in my mind.

Now, I ask you to gather me,
for I realise the storms of time have scattered me,
the furies of the year past have driven me,
many sorrows have scarred me,
many accomplishments have disappointed me,
much activity has wearied me,
and fear has spooked me into a hundred hiding places,
one of which is pretended gaiety.

I'm sick of a string of "nice days."
What I want is passionate days,
wondrous days,
dangerous days,
blessed days,
surprising days.

What I want is you!

Patient God, I hold up my life to you now,
as much as I can,
as high as I can,
in this mysterious reach called prayer.

Help me not to let my life slip away from me.
Come close, lest I wobble and fall short.
It is not days or years I seek from you,
not infinity and enormity,
but small things and moments of awareness,
awareness that you are in what I am
and in what I have been indifferent to.

It is not new time I seek,
but new eyes,
a new heart,
and you, always you.

Oh Patient God,
make something new in me,
in this year,
for you, for others,
for the abundance of this life lived in your presence.

'I Hold Up My Life to you Now' by Rev. Ted Loder

Adapted from Ted Loder, Guerrillas of Grace: Prayers for the Battle,
Innisfree Press, Inc. 1984.